The bed is warm and the light streaming through the high windows a particularly disarming shade of gold, but Sam can't help but wince, moving slowly to extract herself from the down comforter. Every step hurts and though she's been putting it off, she knows that when she finally makes it to the bathroom, it's going to burn.

With some doctorly instinct, Janet appears at the door just in time, already dressed in faded jeans and a Disneyworld t-shirt. She must have already dropped Cassie off at school. Sam is both glad for the reassurance of her presence and resentful. She's been weak and injured in front of Janet many times, but standing there without the white shield of her doctor's coat, it's hard not to see just a good friend, helping out. Sam resents the weakness that's made her resort to this.

"You got it?" Janet asks.

Sam nods, pulling the door shut behind her as she lowers herself, gasping to the toilet seat. It's a lot better than it was, fading to an almost bruise-like sore instead of the excruciating pain of the first days. Despite the resentful brand of feminism the military had pounded her into, Sam has never understood those women who talk about the violence of penetration – not until now. The painstick had ripped her wide open, and burned her from the inside out. She screamed like she never has before, and probably never will since. Ad she has no doubt that if Teal'c hadn't busted down the door and scooped her up in his large, steady arms, she would have given them anything they asked for and that stings almost as much as the lingering pain.

Her teammates are only making it worse. Teal'c is her rock. While she was in the infirmary, he came in every day just to sit with her – no pressure, but not business as usually either. Daniel, as much as she loves him, resents any knowledge denied to him, and has been dripping his own particular brand of wishy-washy sympathy all week. ‘If you need to talk . . .' he says, when really she's positive that he just wants to know what happened to her. Jack, on the other hand, is angry and tactless. He wants to know what happened and he wants to kill whoever did it, despite the fact that Teal'c already took care of that. He fluctuates between bad jokes and pretending that everything is normal and fidgeting demands to know what happened to his teammate. What he doesn't know is that he's the last person she can tell – the shame alone might kill her.

It burns less today, but it still makes her wince, feeling raw when she stands and shuffles back into the bedroom. Janet is standing by the night table pulling on a pair of rubber gloves. Sam grimaces, but doesn't say anything, letting Janet help her lie down on the edge of the bed, legs propped up, and head laid back.

"Today I'm going to have to do an internal." Janet's no-nonsense doctor voice has made a return – a stark difference from the giggling, joking of last night, when they let Cassie stay up late with them to finish a vicious game of monopoly.

Sam nods, though she's not happy about it.

Janet's hands are small, but Sam still clutches the sheets when they reach in. Her gentle probing is painful, but not so much that Sam can't stand it.

"Things are looking good." Janet smiles. "I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you'll make a full recovery."

"I'll still be able to . . ." Sam doesn't finish. Even though ever settling down and raising a family in her line of work seems near impossible, the ability to make the choice is every woman's right. Sam's not sure she could forgive the Air Force if it denied her that.

"Yes, Sam," Janet strokes her kneecap, looking sincere and intense, and angry too, but at the men who did this. "Everything's going to be fine."

The room is filled with sun, creating a soft halo in the golden highlights in Janet's hair, and her tenderness is almost overwhelming. She's beautiful in a way that has nothing to do with the physical, and as she withdraws her hand, brushing up against something Sam wasn't even sure was there, Sam gasps.

Janet pauses, looking up from between Sam's legs – her eyes sharp and scrutinizing.

"I . . ." it hurts to admit it, but Sam hasn't kept secrets from Janet in a long time, probably never. "I was afraid I wouldn't be able to feel . . . good."

Janet seems to make up her mind then, the professional cool that always seems to surrounding her melting away, leaving her cheeks deliciously flushed and her eyes glazed. Sam's known that Janet's gay for while now, but she never thinks about it, not even during exams like this one.

"Can I?" Janet asks and Sam is surprised to hear that the answer is, "Yes."

Janet smiles then, before lowering her head and . . . oh, god, warmth is spreading through her like wildfire, the pain forgotten as she rocks her hips just slightly, trying to get more of that wet, slick, soft sensation. She's gasping and clenching the sheets, and whimpering because she knows that Janet is teasing her, somehow.

Sam has never been the particularly over-sexed type. She's had a few boyfriends over the years and two one-night-stands, but she's about utility and not about the pleasure principle. Sure, sex might feel okay, but it doesn't bring her the same kind of deep, lasting satisfaction of figuring out some alien device or solving a power generation problem, and relationships are messy in contrast to the clean lines of equations sprawled across a whiteboard. But then again, sex (and the few times she's tried masturbating) have never felt like this before.

It feels like floating in a vast sea, wave after wave of pleasure cresting over her, tide and swell and ebb and flow. She's not sure she really knew what an orgasm was before now, and even though her bruised muscles clenching and spasming hurt, it hurts so good that she can't help but cry out.

It's waves later when Janet crawls up her body and Sam draws her sweet mouth down into a boneless kiss. Janet's lips are soft and delicate and they massage and nip at hers instead of the overwhelming battle of tongue-down-throat that some kisses shared with men tend to be. They kiss as equals, coming together almost without desire, but filled to the brim with passion.

Sam flips them over, until she's nestled on the soft cushion of Janet's breasts. She's lost her shirt somehow, and Sam ducks her head to play with peaked brown nipples. She's never done this before, but it seems natural to suck, and bring her fingers down to tease across the soft cotton of Janet's panties. Sam doesn't really know what to do at this point, though since she has the same equipment, it should be obvious. Janet doesn't seem to care though. She glides Sam's fingers into a surprisingly enticing moist heat, and Sam grinds down against Janet's knuckles, where their fingers are joined.

She likes the way Janet gasps beneath her – the exclamations on her tongue, the rosy flush of her cheeks, the tenderness in her gaze. This, Sam realizes, is a rare but precious gift, and she leans down to kiss Janet again in thanks.

She's not sure how long they continue, rolling around on the bed and kissing and laughing like newlyweds, but the transition into sleep is pleasure-filled and seamless.

When Sam wakes, Janet is dozing beside her, sheet pulled up over the pert breasts that Sam had just kissed a moment ago. She still looks brilliant in the sunlight, like the guardian angel that she is. And Sam feels like if she would just reach out, she could take this – bundle it away and keep it until unguarded moments like this burned all the bad things in the world away. But then she thinks about the poetic shimmer of the stargate, the trees and the earth and the rain of other worlds. She thinks about the clean march of equations that inscribe the truth of the universe, the millions of discoveries out there to be made, the black space of that void and the stars asking with a wink for her to explore and describe and tame them. She thinks about Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and her new status as a rugmuncher, and Cassie having to struggle and explain her two Moms, or keep their secrets, like a child should never have to do.

Despite the comforting warmth of Janet here beside her, and this wonderful gift that she accepted, heart wide open, Sam knows that life flows through your hands like water - with each victory, a new battle awaits and perfect moments stay perfect only in memory. The harder you grasp at them, the more they slip away.

She presses a kiss it Janet's forehead and when she wakes, they rise without a word and go together to pick Cassie up from school.