1.

There is some bad language and unpleasant opinions in this one.

Dr. Calvin Kavanagh sat in the infirmary twiddling his thumbs. What the hell kind of doctor was Beckett anyhow? He didn’t need patronizing glances and dummy explanations of his condition. It was pretty damn obvious - that little# had shot him. Gunshot wound. He needed painkillers, not restraints.

“Are you sure there’s nothing wrong with her?” McKay. Just what he needed. McKay had been in and out of here whining about everything from the tiny puncture wound from a needle, not a bullet, to when the major was going to wake up and take him for his walk so he could mark a tree or something, and now to demand that Beckett check Dr. Weir for ‘mental effects’ of that collar thing that McKay had supposedly placed on her himself. What an ahole. Hadn’t the guy ever heard of the word ‘caution’? You didn’t just go around putting alien devices on people without knowing what they did first.

Not that Calvin would have minded if the device had fried Dr. Weir’s brain. That stupid little#$ didn’t know a good decision from a hairpin. She probably slept her way into her position - the little slut. Still, putting an unknown device around the neck of the head of the expedition was really asking for it. What if it did affect her decision-making process? Once upon a time, Calvin might have thought that could only be a good thing - but being stranded in another galaxy with these imbeciles had proven that things could always get worse.

“Rodney, two days ago you brought me a valid concern. I did a thorough exam of Dr. Weir, to which she wholeheartedly agreed. Major Sheppard himself told you that it wasn’t a ‘brainwashy device,’ but I did your exam anyhow. Yesterday, it might’ve still been a valid concern, for a paranoiac. And I reviewed every single lab I have at my disposal, which I performed on poor Dr. Weir at your request, all because I wanted to reassure you. But, today, Rodney, you are just being a big baby because Dr. Weir won’t let you go back and get the ZPM.”

“Is that an official medical diagnosis, Carson?”

“Don’t make me test it, you cheeky bastard.”

Thank you, Dr. Beckett. McKay had been in and out whining and bing for days. Calvin had decided that this must have something to do with the whole squeaky-wheel-gets-oiled theory, because that was the only reason he could come up with to explain such a stupid arrogant ahole as McKay ever being put in charge of this expedition. He sung his own praises so often that it became an automatic response ... like that stupid Bounty commercial, or any other stupid commercial jingle, designed specifically to annoy the hell out of anyone with a big enough brain to understand that it was supposed to annoy you so much that you’d remember it forever. At least in Pegasus he was free from that.

“But she’s making me ... she’s turned evil, Carson, I swear. Before Sheppard put the whammy on her, she would have ...”

“She still would have punished you.”

“But this ... Carson, it’s unfair!”

“Considering that you did disobey a direct order.”

“Several.”

“Several. And risked crucial resources and the lives of valuable personnel.”

“Ha. So you admit I’m valuable!” Yes, McKay was capable of turning every single statement into a comment about his own greatness.

“Unfortunately, in medicine there’s this thing called the Hippocratic oath that means that we have to care for the well-being of all patients, not just the ones we don’t want to strangle.” Strangely, Calvin found that he really did like Dr. Beckett, despite his obvious lack of medical expertise. The man didn’t rush into things. He was cautious and fair. Not like Weir, who obviously swooned every time Sheppard walked by in one of those too-tight black shirts of his. Or McKay, who was so eager to win the major’s approval that he’d practically jump off a cliff for the man. So Sheppard was the cool kid. They didn’t need cool out here, they needed to survive, and Weir and McKay did nothing but put them all in harm’s way.

“Yes, medicine always was stupid that way.”

“Actually, I think that Dr. Weir was a tad easy on you two. She is happy to get the major back, after all.” Only because she wanted his body.

McKay was getting punished. Calvin smiled. Good. He deserved it. And Sheppard did too, whenever he decided to wake up, of course. The man was probably just lazy, trying to hide from Weir’s wrath. That bh had chronic PMS or something ... Calvin had been on the receiving end of her anger and, despite the fact that it was obviously a power trip born out of the biggest case of penis envy a dike like her could ever achieve, he wasn’t eager to experience it again.

“Oh, I suppose you would have had us locked up or flogged or something else ridiculously 16th century.”

“No. I would probably put you on Bates’team for a while.”

“He makes them run laps!” Calvin practically snorted at that - McKay running ... running from Bates. Bates also wasn’t half-bad for someone with a lower IQ than Calvin’s pinky. He didn’t mess around with all the feel-good diplomatic a-kissing that Weir seemed to eat up. Not that Calvin would ever want to be on the man’s team. “That’s ... that’s ... that’s inhumane.”

“Punishment isn’t supposed to be fun, Rodney.”

“I think I’ve been punished enough. Ford hit me! And all he has to do is get ‘punished’by his blonde bimbette. I had to carry Sheppard back to the gate and the man’s not light! And then I had to mediate with that stupid little anthropologist ... did you know he didn’t get any punishment at all!”

“Aye, because you went down to his lab, grabbed him by the shoulder and bodily dragged him to the jumper with you.”

“He could have resisted! And I think I permanently damaged the cartilage in my knees sitting like that. People were not meant to fold that way!”

“You’re not going to get any sympathy from me, Rodney. I already examined you. I x-rayed your knees, twice.”

“Maybe it’s radiation poisoning. All those x-rays can’t be ...”

Beckett sighed. “Now you’re just stalling. Just let me check on my patient and then you can escort him back to his quarters for me.”

Sheppard was awake? Since when?

But instead of hearing McKay and Sheppard flirt like there was no tomorrow, as per usual when they were both conscious, Calvin saw the curtains to his own bed being pulled back.

“Ah, Dr. Kavanagh, how are we feeling today?” Beckett prodded at the wound, making Calvin wince, though he refused to give McKay the benefit of seeing him cry.

“Sick and tired of hearing Dr. McKay whine.”

McKay glared. Beckett smiled. “Aye, lad, aren’t we all?”

Beckett poked around a bit more - temperature, breathing, pulse, blood pressure.

“Please tell me he’s not going to make it,” McKay moaned. That ahole. Why hadn’t that bh shot McKay? She probably would have, if McKay ever got demoted from his position in the Sheppard fan club and ended up with the long-term research group.

“Oh, he’ll make it. Your wounds are healing nicely, Dr. Kavanagh. I’m going to give you a few painkillers and something to keep the swelling down in addition to the antibiotics.” Beckett spoke slowly and too loudly, like he was dealing with a little kid. “You should be fine in your quarters. A nurse will be by to change the dressing as needed. Other than that, I’m leaving you in Dr. McKay’s capable hands.”

Calvin blanched. He was sure that if he had a mirror right now, his skin would be a ghastly white. “Excuse me?”

“Oh, sorry, I thought you must have been eavesdropping ... er ... listening to me and Rodney. His ‘punishment’is to look after you and make sure you don’t try to attack Lieutenant Parker again if I take the restraints off.”

“Trust me, I’m not going to do that again.” He’d received a black eye for his trouble. Next time ... next time he’d drain the oxygen from her quarters or electrocute her or something far more devious. That bh had the nerve ...

“She did it for your own good, you know. If you had entered that jumper it woulda blown you to wee little bits of fried scientist.” McKay was right: Beckett needed to learn how to use medical terminology.

“She even managed to miss your head,” McKay smirked. “Which is difficult, considering its size.”

Calvin gritted his teeth.

“Well, I’ll leave you boys to it. A nurse with come with a wheelchair,” Beckett seemed to look from Calvin’s glare to McKay’s and make a hasty retreat. Smart move, Doc, because this means war.

McKay glared.

Calvin glared.

This was going to be a long recovery ... punishment ... that bh.

“Maybe there is something wrong with Dr. Weir,” Calvin said.

Oddly, they could agree on that.

2.

There were voices.

“Are you sure he’s not in a coma? I know he’s lazy, but three days, Carson ...”

“How many times do I have to tell yeh, Rodney? He’s just asleep. He’s really put his body through the paces - barely eaten anything he didn’t throw back up, seizures, headaches. He’s not just going to wake up because you’re bored and want to play with him.”

John smiled, but kept his eyes shut. He’d been fading in and out, sometimes to the clacking of Rodney’s fingers on the keyboard, sometimes to soft long-fingered hands gripping his. He thought he’d heard Parker apologize for something, but he didn’t even have the strength to open his eyes.

McKay snorted. “Don’t be ridiculous, Carson. I don’t want to play with him. It’s not my fault that I don’t exactly trust your Voodoo skills. Have you checked his brain activity today? He seemed fine when we got him back to the jumper. Can I see him?”

“Let the man rest, Rodney. He deserves it.”

“He deserves it! The idiot has the nerve to a) almost get himself killed, b) charge a ZedPM and not let us use it, and c) initiate a security system that shot me in the shoulder, and you think he deserves something other than a good spanking ... er, smack to the head?”

Spanking? John forced his eyes open. He must have dreamed that. He tried to speak but it came out, “Moowah?”

Beckett and McKay both rushed to his side. McKay shouldered his way past Carson, but whatever he was going to say seemed to die on his lips as John came into his vision.

Beckett pulled out a penlight and John groaned and rolled away from him. “Now, now, Major, behave yourself.”

John grumbled but sat still as Beckett hit him with the light. He strapped on a blood pressure cuff and pulled out his stethoscope - it was cold against John’s skin, but calming. “So, how are you feeling?”

“Been better.” His stomach growled. “Hungry as hell.” He remembered hunger. Next to what the Wraith suffered, this was nothing.

John pulled back the covers, noticing the IV in the back of his hand as he pushed himself up to a sitting position. When had that gotten there?

“Easy now, son. As I was just reminding Rodney, your body’s been through a hell of a lot the past few days. I’ll take the IV out and get one of the nurses to bring you a meal. Rodney can stay to keep you company if he promises to behave.”

Beckett gave McKay a hard look.

“Scout’s honor.”

Beckett looked suspicious, but pulled out the IV and then turned and left.

“You were never a Boy Scout.”

“All that hiking would have set off my hay fever. I bet you were.”

“Nah. It was at the same time as chess club.” If he really was going to change, it would have to start now. Rodney was his friend. He was annoying as hell, but he had risked his life to save John and he deserved to at least know the man he was saving. So maybe Rodney could hurt him with that knowledge. Maybe Rodney could leave him or die or turn against him for some reason, and cause him a lot of pain. But John wanted to be vulnerable. He wanted to bare all, because you could not love without it.

Rodney’s jaw dropped. “You were in the chess club?”

“I was a master.”

“Yeah right.”

“Wanna make a bet?”

Rodney seemed to pause, thinking about it. “No.”

“Then how about a game?”

“After Beckett lets you out of here. I don’t want beating you to be too easy, after all.” Rodney probably would beat him - it had been a long time. But he’d had such an aversion to it all these years - tried to hide his intelligence. It was time he stopped hiding. It would be just him and Rodney - no spectators, no stress. He could be comfortable with that.

“It’s a date then.”

Their eyes met for a brief second and there was something there ... for a second Rodney’s eyes looked almost teal, bright and entrancing. He remembered ... he remembered what it was like to love without restraint. He hoped.

“I ... I have to go ... gotta check on Calvin.”

“Kavanagh?” Since when did Rodney care about Kavanagh, let alone spend a moment not wanting to kill him?

“Let’s just say that our little rescue attempt wasn’t exactly official - technically. Elizabeth isn’t too happy with Ford and me. Stupid anthropologist got off scot free, though. How does he do that?”

“Keeping his mouth shut?”

Rodney looked like he wanted to kill something, but he seemed to calm himself. “Anyway. Elizabeth decided that she couldn’t confine me to quarters because I’m still needed to fix whatever you and your glowy friend did to the city security system - which you’re going to help me with, by the way. And she couldn’t ground me because between my shoulder, your not-quite-coma, and Ford’s burns and bruises, we’re grounded anyhow. So she finally decided to make me nursemaid Kavanagh. That woman is evil, I swear. She looks all nice and diplomatic, but she’s really just Hitler in lanky brunette clothing.”

“Wait ... what happened to Kavanagh again?” John’s memories from the past couple of days were mostly in sensations. The details blurred together with dreams and memories and this overwhelming feeling of peace so strong that it nearly washed everything clean.

“That cute blonde under your command shot him.”

“Parker? Good for her. I think she might deserve a commendation.”

Rodney sat down on the bed, nudging him. “What happened to loving everyone equally?”

“Oh, I might want to love Kavanagh equally, but I still believe in a thing called karma.”

Rodney smirked.

“What punishment did Ford get?”

“Elizabeth outsourced it to Parker. The little brat got off easy, having his girlfriend dole out the punishment.”

“They’re ... “

“You know, I don’t even want to know. Did you know she refused to come ...” Rodney looked ready to go into full rant mode, only to have his headset go off with a shriek. John could recognize the nasal whine.

“Sorry. Rapunzel awaits.” Rodney stood, giving John’s shoulder an awkward squeeze. John placed his hand on top of Rodney’s, holding it there. He missed contact, now that he knew what it was like. He missed having the whole universe open up before him. He missed loving someone so deeply that he’d wait an eternity for them, promise them the world.

He felt delicate, vulnerable as he looked into Rodney’s eyes and saw pain there and compassion. He and Rodney were not as dissimilar as he liked to pretend. He’d been there - been unsure of himself and afraid to care. He’d hidden behind his intellect. But until now he’d never had the courage to just be who he was, unashamed. He admired that so much in Rodney. One day he’d have the courage to tell him that.

“Later, then ... we’ll play chess. I’ll try not to beat you too badly ... you being sick and all. Then, maybe we could ...” Rodney’s voice trailed off as he looked away.

“I’d love to,” John said, giving Rodney’s hand a final squeeze before the scientist pulled away, practically running out of the infirmary. But when he was almost out the door, Rodney turned and there was a hope in his eyes, a hope that John had felt in every being that lived and loved, or wanted to.

“Get better, Major.” And with that, Rodney was gone.

“Later,” John called after him, easing himself off the bed and moving towards the bathroom. As he passed the corridor he noticed a dark, muscled figure kneeling on the ground with nothing on but his military-issue boxers and combat boots, scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush. Classic.

Though somehow, he thought that Ford still got the better end of the deal.

3.

Elizabeth nearly tripped over Lieutenant Ford on her way to the infirmary.

“Sorry, Ma’am,” Ford said, looking ridiculous in nothing but his boxers and his boots, holding a very grubby looking toothbrush.

“Lieutenant, what exactly are you ...”

“Cleaning the hall, Ma’am.”

Elizabeth smiled. Parker had a good sense of humor.

She sidestepped him. “Keep up the good work.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

As she approached the infirmary doors, Elizabeth found that she was holding her breath. Sheppard was in there. And he was awake. She had to face him. She couldn’t hide, even though she wanted to.

She’d been in and out if there the past few days. Sheppard had just barely been conscious when the jumper returned to Atlantis, and hadn’t even been able to debrief before falling into a deep exhausted sleep.

Elizabeth had to admit that she was glad that McKay and Ford had gone even though it hadn’t been the right thing to do. It was too great a risk and it was against Sheppard’s wishes.

She remembered how he’d convinced her, how they’d connected, absently rubbing at her neck. She seemed too light without the weight of that choker. She seemed too light without the weight of worry that she’d worn the whole time McKay and Ford, and of course Lin, had been out there.

But now she had guilt to replace those weights. She had connected with John in a way that she’d longed for so many times. It was intimate in a way that even sex had never been. The last person she had felt something like that with had been Selena, and after that, Elizabeth had never left her heart so vulnerable again. It was beyond the physical - sharing pain, letting John see past the polished façade that she had developed through years working as a diplomat and into the deep ugly depths of her feelings. You were supposed to be able to control what other people thought of you. And she had been out of control for the first time in a long time.

A part of her thrilled at the prospect of finally being close to someone again, of losing a little bit of her hard-won control. But another part was filled with doubt. What if Sheppard was ashamed? What if he’d forgotten? Would they still be able to work together? What if he wanted to pretend it never happened? What if he didn’t?

Rodney thought that she’d been brainwashed, though he wouldn’t dare say it to her face. She heard it from Beckett along with his daily updates about the major - nothing had changed.

But everything had.

It was subtle, barely noticeable, like the way the eye will calibrate automatically to white, even if when you place what you thought was white next to real white, you can tell the difference.

The only problem was that Elizabeth couldn’t tell which one was real and which was the approximation. Had she really been brainwashed by whatever Rodney said had made John ‘stoned?’Or has she finally found reality nestled in among everything commonplace?

Colors were brighter, sensations louder, each moment was an exquisite dance, a discovery. And that happiness that she once brushed up against so long ago and had only been able to find in memories of the past had gotten closer. She could almost touch it.

Elizabeth took a deep breath and walked through the doors to the infirmary. Beckett was nowhere in sight, but Lieutenant Parker was sitting on a gurney, swinging her legs idly.

“Lieutenant. Good job with Ford. I think the punishment was appropriate.”

Parker smiled. “Thank you, Ma’am.”

“I don’t want to intrude, and trust me, you won’t be in trouble for it, but are you and Lieutenant Ford ... involved?”

Elizabeth couldn’t be hypocritical after all. These past few nights she’d been staying up wondering, about Major John Sheppard and these feelings that were not yet quite developed but were lurking beneath the surface, and if she should allow herself to feel them.

Parker laughed, high and airy but tinged with knowledge. It was a wise laugh, and a sad one. Elizabeth had always wondered if the two must be inexorably intertwined. “No. I don’t think we are. There was a time ... but ...”

“But what?”

“But sometimes there are things that are more important than the people you care about, even if you care about them a lot.”

“If you’re talking about the regs ...”

“I’m talking about self-respect,” Parker said, still not meeting Elizabeth’s gaze.

Elizabeth nodded, slowly. Maybe that was why she was so afraid. She was afraid of losing control because it was the only standard by which she could measure her own self-worth. She was not a woman of great achievements, though she could count a few. Her everyday life was in the achievement of goals, but she set those goals herself.

No, what defined her was her values. She was worthy because she was a good person, a person who made the right decisions, and no matter how things panned out, she would always have that.

But John had shown her another way. Could that path also be right?

“How are you feeling?” she asked Parker.

“Much better. I’m hoping that Dr. Beckett will release me to light duty today.”

“Good to hear it.” Elizabeth smiled, spotting motion in the curtained-off area where John had been sleeping.

She pulled back the curtain to find him struggling with his hospital scrubs.

“I wasn’t aware you were getting released today, Major.”

He looked up at her sheepishly, a boyish grin on his face. “Got a date with McKay, don’t want to be late.”

“A date?” She felt a deep pang of jealousy, strange considering that she’d seen him with other women before. And he seemed to flirt with almost anything that moved.

“I can’t let him think that he can beat me at chess.”

“Oh. You play?”

“Used to,” he shrugged. “I want to get back into it though.”

“I’m not sure who I’d be rooting for. If you win, Rodney’s going to be ... difficult. But I’d kind of like to see the look on disbelief on his face if you did.”

“I’ll be sure to take a picture for you. I just have to get Beckett to sign the papers and I’m out of here.”

“Are you sure you’re up to it, John?”

“I’m fine. I was exhausted before, but all I needed was a little rest.”

“Because you could take another couple of days ...”

He smirked. “You trusted me before.”

Elizabeth let her gaze fall. Yes, she did. She let him persuade her. “I know.”

They sat there for a moment while Elizabeth stewed in her shame. Could she respect herself after she’d let John see so much? And why did she want more? He was supposed to look up to her as a figure of authority, not that sad little girl who’d lost the first person she’d loved to values she didn’t even believe in.

“We need to talk,” she whispered.

“I know.”

“I don’t know what it was, John. I ... I’ve never felt anything like that before in my life. But I don’t want to ...”

“Shhh ...” he motioned for her to come sit by his side on the bed. There was something different about him, an intimacy, as special feeling that stirred in her belly, that when he looked at her, he really saw her. He let her come close and his gaze was unguarded. “You don’t have to think about it so much, Elizabeth. It felt right to me. It was a comfort I needed.” And that was different too - John needing someone other than himself.

“Me too.”

“I ... I’m not very good at letting people in.” She knew this without a doubt. John Sheppard had been an enigma since the moment they met and remained that way, despite all they had shared. Then he looked up and she saw such pain in his eyes that she almost gasped. “But I want to.”

He reached over and squeezed her hand. His touch was electric. She could feel her body humming, doors opening, wonder shining through once again. And she could feel his pain, as palpable as it had been before. But John had something else in him, a spirit to fight, a will to action that was stronger than anything she had ever felt before. He was a good man.

“So do I.” God, there was a time when she had wanted nothing more than to share her soul with someone, share her burden, even though she now knew that the burden was also a joy.

She leaned over to place a light kiss on John’s cheek, feeling his perpetual day-old stubble scrape against her delicate lips. Before she knew it, he had wrapped his arms around her in a hug. It wasn’t awkward, but it wasn’t romantic either.

It was something else entirely. It was close.

“Thank you,” he said.

“For what?”

“Being you.”

“Thank you.” She smiled as she pulled away. “For letting me in.”

Maybe she didn’t know him fully yet. Maybe it would take years for all the walls to come down, but she wanted to know him. And she was willing to wait.

He smiled but then frowned. “Oh, and you can’t let Rodney go back for the ZPM. It’s important. And I’m not sure it could be extracted anyway, considering that it was able to protect the ruins from a fire and that there are a lot of ascended beings that have a vested interest in keeping those ruins intact.”

“Don’t worry, John. I already told Rodney ‘no’.”

He smiled. She’d like to think it was because he was proud of her.

“I bet he was happy about that.”

“Oh well. Now he has Kavanagh to keep him distracted.”

John snickered, a boyish grin appearing on his face.

Elizabeth smiled back, laughing with him and allowing at least that small indulgence for now. Who knew what the future would bring? But that was the point, wasn’t it?

FIN